People
love doing it to me:
“Kevin, what is 'selling' - in two words?” Jeffrey Gitomer
“Kevin,
is marketing the true face of magic?” Ben Mack
“Kevin,
what is the single most important factor in persuasion?” Mark
Joyner
All
in the same lifetime…!
People
love asking me questions for which they have an answer in the
moment and then blow me away with it…
(I’ll
share with you the answers to the questions Jeffrey, Ben and Mark
posed me later in this article.)
And
it was Mark’s question that got me going for this article.
You
can know all the techniques, strategies and mental linguistics
on the planet...but...if you aren't a person of influence, you
haven't got a chance. Similarly, you can be a person of influence
but your client quite simply might not be motivated to change.
(at least not yet!)
Let's
look at both of the people in the process and find out what kind
of a person a person of influence is...then find out what your
client must feel about you to best be motivated by you....
First:
What is influence?
Influence is a process where one person motivates another person
to change something.
In
the teleseminar I did for Mark, he answered... “framing.”
I could hardly disagree that, that is, the single most important
implementable tactic or strategy in influence.
It
is.
But
there is something more IMPORTANT in long-term successful influence
BY you or me, than framing.
Something
more important than the context, the environment as well…
Let's
look at just what it takes to motivate that person and who the
person of influence needs to be to accomplish persuasion.
Just
Who is the Person of Influence?
Who is the great salesman, the great therapist, the great lover,
the great President, the great...you get the idea....
There
are a number of qualities and characteristics that are crucial
to success in persuasion and influence...in every usage from therapy
to selling. Above all else is one characteristic that dwarfs all
of the rest... Empathy.
Nothing
is more important than empathy for someone who wants to motivate
others to change.
What
is Empathy?
It's the ability to feel...to understand...to walk a mile in their
shoes...Empathy means that you can feel and see life from the
perspective of the other person. If and when you can do that...you
can be influential. If you can't you will only be able to "close
a percentage" or get lucky now and then. You can know all
the techniques on the planet, but if you can't feel their pain,
you will never truly be a great salesman, a great communicator,
a powerful person of influence.
You
walk into the hospital, see your loved one with the I V in their
arm. You paste a smile on your face, but they know it hurts you
as much as it does them.
That's
empathy.
Your
child is home sick from school. You feel as bad for them as they
feel. You see the result of their bad decisions and the pain of
the future they now face. You feel it too.
When
I think of empathy, I think of people like former President Clinton.
He has far more empathy than most people in the public eye. Politics
aside, when you watched Clinton with people, you sensed he could
really be in that person's shoes...and he was. That means he has
the capacity to identify and feel what others are feeling at this
moment. People of great empathy have three common traits.
* They have experienced pain first hand.
* They have a wide range of experiences with all kinds of other
people.
* They are validated and feel good based upon the approval of
others.
I
saw a book on the shelf today at Barnes & Noble. It was called
"Disease to Please." I didn't pick it up. Why? The person
doesn't get it. (Just like the guy who wrote "Don't Sweat
the Small Stuff. It's All Small Stuff.") The book might be
helpful, but the title spreads a very bad ideavirus.
In
a broad sense, the ideal life is about two things. Giving and
receiving pleasure. (Pleasure broadly means anything that is good.)
Take away one of the two (giving or receiving) from the person,
and you have a half of a person...
Take
away the giving part, and in the vernacular, you have a jerk....
I'll
bet a nickel the author of "Disease to Please" will
tell the reader that the reason people are unhappy and unsatisfied
is that they are trying to please other people at their own expense.
(And that might be a fact.) The possible solution might be proposed
to stop trying to please others, and start doing what the reader
has never done perhaps...please themselves.
Problem.
As
soon as the person stops being helpful, kind, loving, supportive,
nurturing to others, they lose the other half of who they were.
The half of them that IS powerful and useful.
The
real solution, obviously, is to always be supportive, kind and
helpful. And then to be supportive, kind and helpful to yourself
as well. (It requires no more time or effort. A simple set of
choices.) Then instead of becoming a jerk they become a complete
person...and...a person capable of powerful influence...which
means they are only one step away from success at any level they
choose.
The
influential person has a strong desire to please... and if they
are going to be influential, that extends to the desire to help
(for both altruistic and selfish purposes) others be happy, feel
better, and be useful as a human. This desire to help, to create
value, to love will often be paired with some kind of pain and
no one should tell this person to try and squelch the feelings
of being rebuffed, rejected or hurt. That IS the healthy and normal
response. These are the feelings that generate the empathic response.
When
people see these characteristics in you, they judge you as a person
who cares, is interested and wants to help others. Kindness. The
person of influence is typically a kind person. There are plenty
of exceptions in history, but in general if a person is empathic
and kind, they have the potential to help others create change.
Why?
Because
you won't listen to a jerk. They don't care. All they have is
their self-interest and that means you can NOT trust them as they
attempt to persuade. It's as simple as that.
The
Cornerstone of Motivation
Question:
Can a person of influence, someone with great empathy, also be
intense, tough-as-nails, focused, able to self-satisfy at many
levels? Of course. People are allowed to have as many characteristics
as they can...empathy is simply the cornerstone of motivating
others.
Fact:
If you are empathetic, you will have the instant reservoir to
tap into to create change in other people's lives. This doesn't
mean you will successfully utilize your reservoir, it just means
that you don't have to work on building it!
So
what is the big deal with something as touchy feely as empathy?
Well, if you're truly wondering, then it would be useful to begin
working on empathy.
We
all want to be understood and liked by others. People who are
empathetic make it a point to understand others and to look out
for the interests of everyone.
Salespeople,
take a lesson from the great therapist (who truly is a great salesperson).
Numerous studies reveal that 50% of the results they achieve with
a client at the one year point of demarcation is due to the therapist's
personal qualities, of which the most crucial is empathy. The
remaining causes of success in therapy are spread out among the
approach, the client's motivation, their environment, etc.
When
I say that people don't buy the product or service and that they
are buying YOU, I'm not kidding.
In
the most simple terms: Your client is buying the empathy they
feel in you.
There
is little or no resistance toward the salesperson (or therapist)
that has the complete best interest of the client in their heart
and mind.
What
About the Client?
We can talk more about the salesperson (therapist!) in a bit.
For now let's switch to the other side of the table. The client.
The
client, whether a prospect in a sales context, or a person needing
therapy...the elements are identical. In order for you to motivate
your client, your client will need to meet several criteria.
Your
client must be capable to change or take action. This simply
means that they can literally do something if they chose it. You
can try selling an airplane to a guy who can't afford a matchbox
car but he won't be able to take action.
Your
client must be ready to change or take action. Remember that
most people are mired in the status quo. The client who smokes
or drinks too much who doesn't have an interest in changing isn't
likely to be motivated to change. Similarly the prospect who really
believes that he doesn't need to invest his money or buy a car
that will get his family safely from point to point will need
to be motivated to get to the "ready" stage. A person
is ready when it is the most important thing to them and whatever
they were holding onto previously becomes secondary.
People
don't like giving up anything. Attitudes, beliefs, feelings, emotions,
thoughts, ANYTHING. People want to hang onto what they are familiar
with.
People
say they want to quit smoking...and "part of them" probably
does...but it isn't as important as what they are getting from
the experience itself. The person is ready to make a change when
they have shifted their priorities.
The
client must be willing to change. Do they want "it"
at all? If it doesn't hit their radar, then you haven't experienced
a client that even wants to make a change. They see no reason.
They feel nothing. And...nothing will happen as a result.
Your
client will need to be approached in a fashion that will trigger
change. The "approach" will vary from person to person.
Over the years, salespeople have learned that high pressure simply
created enemies and can destroy the relationship. 30 years ago
various therapeutic styles fell into the category of being confrontational.
(Direct challenges to the client.) These styles might work with
a specific individual but overall, they were a miserable failure.
For the most part confrontation failed.
Similarly,
extremely high pressure challenges fail in other influential settings.
Tell someone that if they don't buy the car today that they lose
out...well everyone knows the car will still be there tomorrow
and it is NOT going UP in value as it sits on the lot. (The new
home might, though!)
As
a rule the vast majority of people DO need to feel some discomfort
to take action but they normally don't have to feel the fires
of Hades to make a good decision.
Think
of it this way: Your client will not respond to high pressure
if it makes no sense to be pressured. A successful person of influence
simply doesn't need one person's "sale" that badly.
And it will all show in the approach.
Observe:
"If
you don't buy this today you will have wasted my time and it cost
me a lot of money to be here for you and if you did this the way
it is you'd get rich and what are you thinking?!?!!?"
That
said, if the salesperson is in poverty, and if they don't make
the sale then they (the salesperson) loses. This means the salesperson
is selling the wrong product for the client and salesperson.
However...
"Whether
you participate or not is fine with me. I'm happy to help you
here today. I'm busy. I might have a chance to help you in the
future, but you must make a decision that is best for you."
If
you use the Science of Influence, you don't have to even think
about "closing the sale" any more. It happens because
it has to happen. You might need to respond to questions or even
natural hesitation and fears of the unknown but there is no more
need for story-telling "closes" or emotional torture
of people who could choose to become clients. It didn't work in
the therapist's office, and it won't work for most clients. (And
if it did, is that *who* you want to be!??!!?)
The
successful person of influence is the person who has great empathy
for the other person. They are inherently kind. They certainly
can be disciplined in approach. They can be tough as nails or
as soft as a kitten. One thing is certain: They can feel the other
person's pain....and... they want to help them feel better.
As
for the client, make sure you are speaking to the person who is
capable of changing. The person who is ready to change and
the person is willing to change. You can influence the willingness
to come closer to ready (as in NOW) but you can't motivate actual
ability. If they can't buy the million dollar house, don't try
and sell it to them. What would the point be?
Empathy
and kindness.
Who
would have thought it?
Oh!!
The
answer to Jeffrey’s question was... “Ask Questions.”
And
Ben Mack certainly believes... that marketing is the face of
magick, but I’m just not sure how to counterpropose thoughts
in that one….so I simply agreed with him…which I knew would make
him believe that I, too, am a genius…
About
the Author:
Kevin Hogan is the author of Covert
Hypnosis, a guidebook that Dr. Joe Vitale (star of "The
Secret" movie) has said to be "the most powerful stuff
I've EVER seen for selling, persuading, and motivating."
Kevin is the nation's leading body language expert. He is a dynamic,
well-known international motivational and inspirational keynote
speaker, consultant and corporate trainer. He has trained persuasion,
sales and marketing skills to leaders in the government of Poland,
employees from Boeing, Microsoft, Starbucks, Meespierson, Auntie
Anne's, Cargill, Pillsbury, Carlson Companies, Fortis, Great Clips,
the State of Minnesota, 3M, The United States Postal Service and
numerous other Fortune 500 companies. He recently spoke to The
Inner Circle and at the Million Dollar Roundtable (MDRT) convention.
